everyone is wandering around the office wearing jeans today. i think it is some kinda charity fund raiser thingy. i don't know, i hate charities.

these people look very strange in jeans.

levi strauss would puke.

we are conducting a test, this is only a test.

as any old skool punk/new waver can tell you, the film URGH! a Music War (1981) was probably was the first exposure to what would become their favorite band. one of the more bizarre bands captured by the film was the cramps. lux interior (lead singer) bounced around the stage, arms extended, resembling a giant screaming pterodactyl. the microphone was crammed inside his mouth. poison ivy (lead guitar) plays pathetically showing little interest in lux's antics, seemingly bored by it all.

since my first exposure to the cramps via URGH! i have seen them several times live. each time lux finds something (the sound man, a stage hand, an obnoxious fan, a band member, a cheap microphone stand) to be really pissed off about. it becomes his motivation to put on a wildly entertaining and unpredictable show.

the cramps are still touring, and will play Dallas tonight. i will be there pretending i am not 36 years old. i bet there will be more than one greying mohawk in the crowd.

look for me, i will be the one screaming requests for Don't Eat Stuff Off the Sidewalk, and Can Your Pussy Do the Dog?.

yesterday was son one's sixth birthday. looking through some old photos, i ran across these, so i thought i would share.

the wife was a little bummed that we were so far (texas) from freinds and family (michigan) for the birth of our first son. i wanted to bring everyone into the delivery room but thought that might be a little weird, so i secretly snapped polaroids of freinds and family holding notes i had made in a sketch book. i gave her the photos spread out over the 12 hours of labor to keep her spirits up.

the best pictures were the ones i took of complete strangers in a bar, i can't find those.

six years ago seems like yesterday.

- one - two - three - four - five - six - seven - eight - nine - ten - eleven - twelve -

help, i am losing faith in some of the most basic design concepts and process that i have lived by for so many years.

pencil comps - am i the only designer that still starts on paper?

kerning - come on, show the letters some love, i beg you.

real photography - is that even an option anymore or has stock and the combination of photoshop and digital photography killed it?

branding and identity - i used to think branding was a subset of identity, now i am beginning to thing it might be the other way around. is that a bad thing?

user centered design - sure it's great in the perfect world but is there a single client in this economy that is willing to pay for it?

wire frames - why build a wire frame when you can just build the real thing?

designing for a minimum delivery platform - I am amazed at how many times we are well into construction before this issue arises, does it not matter anymore?

the above photo was taken by robert brochu for his site, truck808. he invited me to put some words to it, so i did.

so, park your rig out front, step inside, ask vera for a slice of the apple pie and check out the archives.

i wish there were more sites like truck808. developed on a solid conceptual foundation and executed within defined boundaries ensuring continuity of content, visual design, and identity. the site has a strong purpose and direction. excellent work robert.

i am glad to see my letter writing campaign is finally showing results. walking past the gap yesterday, i noticed they are no longer ignoring the fashion needs of headless children. they now have a full line of clothing dedicated to the headless.

bravo, gap. i, for one applaud your bold new direction. you are a shining beacon and a fine role model. no longer will these children be fashion misfits.

unfortunately, many corporations simply turn their heads and look the other way. chick-fil-a refuses to serve headless children in their restaurants. sure, there is no official policy or written guidelines, but i know it to be true. i have never seen headless children eating at chick-fil-a.

shame on you, chick-fil-a

finally the winner of the ultramicroscopic tournament challenge can be announced. lawyers here at ultramicroscopic have just concluded a two week investigation and seem to be satisfied with the urine tests, background checks, psychological profile and underwear inspection.

it's my pa!

i know, you are probably saying to yourself it was rigged, but when you see the prize, you probably will not care. the prize is pictured above. an authentic hand crafted basketball hat/mask.

enjoy it, my father.

how come i feel this stupid thing will once again be in my possession around the time of my birthday?

addendum - i made this mask a couple years ago, but am unable to wear it for extended periods of time because my huuuuuuuuuge cranium is actually larger than a standard basketball. not something i am proud of. i must go now, my neck grows weary of supporting this planetoid resembling a head.

my mom and dad have some cool stuff.

cool stuff like a commercial popcorn maker, a plastic pig holding a brief case, and several boxes of pop-tarts.

to avoid a winner take all cage match with my sister upon my parents death, i developed a plan.

recently, i walked through my partents homewith a label gun marking all the things i want. first come, first serve.

my parent's are not even sick yet, but it is best to be prepared.

the unanswered hand hung in the air for seemingly an eternity before it was retracted.

luckily, i was warned before we arrived at the stadium that they were high fivers. as a fan, i don't do high fives. high fives are reserved for players, drunks, and people much cooler than i. the pregame warning put me in a bad mood, but allowed me to be prepared.

as soon as the first home run ball cleared the fence, i knew the high five invitation was coming. the high fivers were to my left. i quickly turned to the right looking to home plate as if that was where the action was. in my peripheral vision i saw the invitation, a lonely hand waiting to be slapped. i pretended not to see. it went unanswered.

i assumed my actions had set a precedence and that the next 8 innings would be free of high fives. never under estimate the diligence of a high fiver.

the second home run caught me by surprise. i glanced to my left. eye contact was made with one of the high fivers. i knew i would be unable to avoid the rising hand. my feeble attempt at a high five was more of a clumsy caress than a slap of skin. i probably creeped the high fiver out. the high five was a commitment and bonding, you can't not high five after you initiation to the high fivers society. the snow ball was rolling, i feared high fives would soon replace all types of verbal communication.

there was only one thing to do, move. i decided to "get a beer", which i did in right field. in a seat 428 feet from the high fivers, i sat alone, drinking beer, watching the game and occasionally looking to see the group of high fivers celebrating a 89 mph fast ball passing over the plate between a motionless batter's knees and shoulders.

upon entering the restaurant, the young hostess looked at my 4 year old son and said "well, aren't you the cutest!"

i replied "thank you,... oh you meant my son, not me, never mind"

it is time to take me out the woods and shoot me.

although i have been a father for some time now, it was not until that moment i realized my razor sharp wit had been replaced with standard issued dad humor.

i could hear her thoughts... "yeah, never heard that one before, nice one, you pathetic, feeble old fart. only 20 more minutes till tyler picks me up in his eclipse. i wonder if i should get the 10 gauge or 12 gauge barbell."

i wanted to retract that lame ass joke and show the hostess how cool i really am (or was at one time). i wanted her to know i'm down with hall and oates . i wanted her to know i have a closet full of skinny ties, chuck taylors, wrap around sunglasses and sleeveless t-shirts with japanese characters on them. i wanted her to know i have pac man on atari 2600.

actually, on second thought, i am not really too concerned with becoming "dad" because the next step will be not caring i am "dad". i will not care how dark socks look with running shorts. i will not care that the waistband of my pants is only an inch under my nipples. i will not care that my nose and ear hair is freaking you out.

we slowly drove around the townsquare searching for a place to eat. the wife spotted a sign resembling a british flag. it was a sign for the londoner, a restaurant/pub.

the wife - "hey, let's go there, the londoner, i think it's a german restaurant."

me - "yeah, maybe i can get the sushi plate."

the alternate title for this post was maybe, if hitler had won.

obey giant or disregard midget, you choose, it's all the same.

the wife lives by the clock. she has her life planned down to the minute. the loss of only a few seconds will confuse and disorient her. the loss of an entire hour will echo for weeks.

It is spring, and as we do every spring to honor the mystery of day light savings, we sprung forward an hour. actually the usage of "we" includes everyone except the wife.

the first 24 hours of daylight savings time, she lives in denial and refuses to acknowledge the change. i have learned to let it go, because i do not want to lose another hour of my life arguing with her about what time it "really" is.

the days following she may acknowledge the change when interacting with others that require standardized time (doctors, repairmen, mall shop owners, etc.) but family and friends are forced to live an hour in the past with her.

the weeks following are filled with whining about how screwed up everything is and how nothing feels right. it then becomes an excuse for anything that goes wrong. often times she uses it to her benefit, but some times she gets confused and claims excuses that would come from falling back an hour rather than springing forward an hour. whatever best suits her purpose.

october 26 we will fall back an hour, and she will once again descend into 4 weeks of chaos and anger.

if memory serves correct, the unknown comic was from baghdad (the gong show). i keep he and his family in my thoughts.

it has been 5 days since we moved into the new house. it takes a little time for your house to become your home. i am making small adjustments to my lifestyle and getting to know all the hidden quirks of the new house.

at the old house i used to get my instructions from the floating head in the fire place, it's a hard switch to the glowing orb in the attic.

the food replicator here needs some tweaking, blue milk and purple chicken is a little disconcerting. oh well, nothing ever cooks as good as your first replicator.

i have to poop on the neighbor's lawn late at night in the dark. the old neighbor didn't care when i did it.

it is an extra 4 steps from the bed to the bathroom here, but the garden hose rig i made seems to be working well.

i never thought i would say this, but i kind of miss the high pitched whirring noise coming from the strange machine in the neighbors garage at 3 am.

the old house was hooked to a water system that ensured water flowed from the faucets, shower heads and sprinkler system. the new house flows cherry cool-aid, which makes for a messy shower but the kids love it.

i still don't know where that black hole portal in my son's closet goes. i have been disposing of garbage there, it never seems to fill up. on occasion we hear a distant moan escape from the portal.

home, sweet home.

dear god,

remember last week when i said i needed to win the lottery? well, this week i really mean it. i can't take it here much longer.

if that is too much to ask, i would settle for a simple scratch off winner that could cover the cost of tequila and a shot gun.

thanks god, rock on.

sincerely,
griff (the one you sort of goofed up on)

doing some testing at work recently reminded me of a time several years ago...

i reviewed compiled notes submitted by testers on a computer based training course i had recently finished building. one tester (of 15) wrote "the screen went momentarily black and a text message claimed the fish were spawning, then returned to the course". this was far and away the most bizarre comment in 30 pages of notes. it was so crazy i just laughed and dismissed it as the comment of an insane person.

in the second round of testing a few days later, another tester had a similar comment. i spent several days researching this error and trying to duplicate it. team members were accusing each other of putting easter eggs in the code. unable to reproduce the error i gave up, and just prayed it would never show up after final release.

several months later i was reviewing the course and the fish began to spawn. i laughed for 3 days.

the courseware had a forward navigation button at the bottom right of the screen. coincidentally, one of our testing macs had the famous after darkswimming fish screen saver installed. the bottom right corner of the screen was a trigger area to start up the screen saver. the testers moved the mouse to the corner, pausing long enough to trigger the screen saver. as the screen saver loaded the text message about spawning fish would pop up. the tester would then panic and unknowingly move the mouse which would disable the screen saver before the fish began swimming across the screen.