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fast approaching an unidentifiable lump in the road, i held my course. 30 feet from the lump, a bushy tail twitched. i immediately recognized it to be a squirrel. i swerved, sparing the little critter. my first thought was that he must have been sleeping. then i realized i was retarded.
the squirrel had been hit earlier, and was suffering a slow, painful death. i felt sorry for it, and became angry at myself for not running over him and enabling his departure to the great oak tree in the sky. i then decided to loop around and squish the little guy. when i put on my blinker to loop around, i realized that was even more retarded. i returned my blinker to the off position.
the conundrum consumed my thoughts. after 20 minutes, distraught turned to anger when i realized those were 20 minutes i would never get back. 20 minutes spent pondering the existence of a stupid squirrel. I decided the next time i see a squirrel crossing the road (or sleeping for that matter), i'm gonna flatten the little fucker. one of those little bastards must pay for every second of my tortured 20 minutes. 20 minutes i could have spent thinking about new donut fillings, monkeys dancing in little sailor suits, or even garden gnomes made of milk chocolate.
legally i can't claim this blog is completely carb free, but i can say you will lose weight if you read it instead of eating.
so, read all you want, i'll make more.
a young attractive woman stood at the band's merchandise table. without hesitation, she removed her shirt. naked from the waist up, she waited for a new shirt. she then leisurely slipped the new baby doll t over her head and stretched it across her chest.
this all sounds very rock and roll, but in actuality it was much more pathetic. what follows are a few signs i am attending the wrong rock shows.
rock and roll violation #1, the guitarist was manning the merchandise table between sets.
the rock and roll rule book clearly states in section 12 paragraph 4, "between sets the band must retreat backstage for a chemical booster, all the while perpetuating the persona of aloofness and secrecy"
rock and roll violation #2, when the shirt came off, eight guys stood slack jawed, unable to utter a sound.
back to the rule book, section 24 paragraph 5, "in the presence of female nudity or the potential for nudity, male fans are required to respond with whooo whooo, yeah baby or the time tested standard of your place or mine? honey!
rock and roll double violation #3 and #4, when the bass player walked up, the guitarist claimed "dude, you won't believe this, i just talked a chick into taking her shirt off! she got naked right here!"
section 3, paragraph 2, "band members should never need to lie about getting chicks naked to impress their band mates." claiming he talked her into it was a lie. he never uttered a single word to encourage nudity, her volunteerism was heroic.
section 1, paragraph 1, "never express excitement over naked chicks. the foundation of the rock star persona is based on the fact that a rock star sees more ass than a toilet seat." the rule book does provide an exemption for drummers.
probably the worst rock and roll violation was that the band played very well and are obviously talented musicians. i will let that violation slide.