i am fairly decent at useless trivia but completely inept at operating a phone. i can put in order from shortest to longest the following four units of measure; a fathom, an em, a hand, and a smoot. i can not successfully dial a phone in less than 4 attempts.

oddly, the combination of the two quirks has landed me in the wife's dog house.

each of the past five nights i have attempted to make the cut for who wants to be a super millionare by correctly answering five questions in a pre-recorded phone game. i never made it past the third question. not because i didn't know the correct answers, but because i am really bad a pushing buttons.

to successfully dial a phone, i need to look at a phone number as 7 single digit numbers rather than a single 7 digit number. on top of that, i must coordinate my behemoth index finger to correctly depress the tiny numbered push buttons. not. gonna. happen.

the wife is superbly talented at pushing buttons. i once asked her what her dream job would be. she said typing. she claims the satisfaction of swiftly and effortlessly stroking a keyboard puts her in the proverbial zone. un-teathered by the conscious mind, fingers traveling at 120 words a minutes, nirvana is achieved. alas, she sucks at trivia and couldn't give a rat's ass whether the fire ant stings or bites.

she has little understanding or tolerance for those unable to press buttons like myself. she has scolded at me all week for my failed attempts. isn't this sort of like yelling at some one for not winning the lottery?

as if the wife was not angry enough, last night a woman from our little town made it on the show. she didn't know moth larvae make mexican jumping beans jump. i knew it, but was sitting at home working the ass grove on my couch. the wife claims that should have been me sitting next to regis.

whatever.

so, to get escape the dog house, i figure i need to stop on the way home and pick up 10 million dollars.

oh and if you guessed em, hand smoot and fathom in that order, you may think your right but it is a trick question. an em is a unit of relative measure (twice as big as an en) based on point size. so if you had text over 6 feet tall, it might even surpass the length of a fathom.

oh and the fire ant does both, it bites to get a firm grip, then stings. the venom is in the stinger.

probably going to sxsw interactive, but on a budget.

i may need to share hotel costs?

anyone?

email me, griff at you know what dot com.

a couple of years ago, a friend (or should i say a bad influence) confessed to me that he sometimes giggles uncontrollably while urinating with strangers in public restrooms. I told him he was a weirdo.

little did i know at the time he told me, but it is an infectious condition that is passed through confession. i never think about his confession, until i am standing in front of a urinal. not when i am standing alone in front of a urinal, only when a stranger is standing at the urinal next to me. that is when the infection reveals it symptoms, and i begin giggling like an ass.

why reveal such an embarrassing affliction in such a public forum? in hopes that my suffering can end by passing the infection to you.

i swear the realtor said the master bedroom has "his and her sinks". come to find out, my wife tells me she said "her and her sinks". one she uses as a traditional sink with water and everything. the other one that resembles a sink is atually a storage bin for mysterious power tools she uses on her head. I am a man of little hair and have no idea what purposes these things serve other than to confuse me.

ultranote - hold the phone, upon closer inspection of my photo above, i realize that that three of the four devices have power cords. well, i have tumbled her game, she's not going to weasel out of this marriage with an "accidental death by electrocution" and a life insurance payment!

ultraultranote - gotta go, she needs me to retrieve something from the toaster with a fork.

i now realize the poo haiku was a stupid idea. the ultramicroscopic research team has discovered the text messages only confused toilet users. feelings of confusion can lead to constipation resulting in a frustrated toilet user. it's time for ultramicroscopic to return to it's original mission of promoting general good will. ultra microscopic wants to help the users, not hinder.

additional studies have found toilet users desire a comforting and hospitable environment. one that fosters flow.

so, instead of bringing my sharpie pen to the public restroom, i now bring andes creme de menthe thins. i pre-pull a generous amount of paper, fold it fancy like, then top it off with a delicious mint. so far, it seems to be well recieved, soon people will line up to use the stall after me.

i apologize to pain and suffering caused by the poo haiku, enjoy the mint, consider it restitution and a gesture of good will.

continuing on with cool things traded for my bot book, i received the above from april.

april sent me a print of her illustration "alien bbq". april is also a keeps a site where she often revels her photoshop secrets. Or you can purchase other cool prints she has made here. thanks april!

i would like to thank cnn.com for killing all past, present, and future lesbian fantasies.

I am getting spam email oddly similar with the titles Hi, hello, Error, and TEST each is addressed to different names at ultramicroscopic dot com. each contains a file (either a .doc, .exe or .zip) and I have opened none of the attachments.

more scary, i received and undeliverable message notice claiming a message similar to the above messages was sent from julie (an account i never set up) at ultramicroscopic. am i unwittingly spamming.

is this a virus of some sort? forgive my ignorance, us mac people rarely have to deal with viruses. should I turn off my ability to get any mail addressed to anything at ultramicroscopic?

the underpaid youth consultant (son two, 5 years old) here at ultramicroscopic, recently reported "a frog is better than a sleeping bag". i didn't question his research or sources, i trust it to be true.

admittedly, this finding was a bit of an epiphany for the management here at ultramicroscopic. it is important to compare things, otherwise we would never know what is better. i consulted our tiny consultant further. as a service to the reader, ultramicroscopic is providing the results of our consultant's work.

a jar is better than an elastic waist band
a hat is better than a compass
a string is better than a tree leaf
a plate is better than a fig
aluminum foil is better than toe jam

if you have anything you would like compared, leave it in the comments and i will schedule more time with our consultant. thank you.

i never knew it was possible to have a wardrobe malfunction, but i like the concept.

the concept that any action can be classified as a malfunction, even when the action was perfectly predictable.

it relieves the guilty of any personal responsibility. it also opens up a new world or excuses i plan to use...

to my wife, "i'm sorry about the other woman, it was just a penis malfunction"
to my kids, "i'm sorry, missing your birthday, it was a beer malfunction"
to my parents, "i'm sorry about dropping you off at the old fart home, it was a driving malfunction"
to my neighbor, "i'm sorry about the poop in your mailbox, it was a sphincter malfunction"
to my boss, "i'm sorry about the megacorp sales pursuit meeting, i was detained by a hooker malfunction"
to my creditors, "i'm sorry, it was a spending malfunction"
to my president, "i'm sorry i doubted you on the wmd issue, it was a intelligence malfunction"