continuing on with cool things traded for my bot book, i received the above from brenda.

brenda sent me a set of hand made cards. each scantly clad in miniature lingerie.
cool eh? the wife has aready used a few (not to correspond with male friends, i hope). thanks brenda!

i just realized campaigning for the presidency is much like attending dentistry school to become a architect. i don't believe it qualifies or prepares the person in any way for the position they aspire to.

i have also realized that i know alarmingly little about the democratic candidates, but i do know just enough to make a decision. it is hardly a topic to waste valuable brain activity on.

as a public service to hew hampshirites, ultramicroscopic has put together a comprehensive quick reference voters guide. hopefully this guide will aid you in a quick decision so you can return to porn surfing and mp3 stealing.

howard dean - proved there are not as many bloggers in iowa as originally thought.

john kerry - i think he's the one with the artificial leg made from munster
cheese, right?

dennis kucinich - once ate an entire goat in a single sitting.

joe leiberman - is mildly retarded but had eye lid surgery to conceal it.

wesley clark - old military guy, wait, how is that possible? he can't be a democrat.

john edwards - talks to dead people who want to let you know they are ok.

al sharpton - highly entertaining hair that seems to have a platform of it's own.

other guy - i think his name is gephardt?

well, i think the choice is obvious, go forth and vote!

continuing on with cool things traded for my bot book, i received the above from mike langlie.

when i grow up, i wanna be mike langlie. mike sent me his picture book and music cd twink. 25 whimsical songs played on toy instruments. as if being a musician was not enough, he dabbles in all aspects of graphic arts. odles of fun (and free!) little things on his site, run don't walk.

dear extreme right,

all this talk about what is a marriage and what is not has me confused.

my wife and i have been married for 10 years. i have a sex change operation scheduled for next tuesday. will this effectively downgrade our marriage to civil union status?

if so, could she in turn have a sex change to get us back to married status?

I have an ongoing thing with a hermaphrodite that might be worth leaving my wife for. if we were to marry, is there anything like a half married status?

what if i marry the hermaphrodite and rosey o'donnel. together i assume they count as one woman between them and everything would be cool again, right?

i look forward to your guidance, i understand your concern in my personal issues and the last thing i would ever want you to lose sleep over is my marital status. worse yet, i would feel terrible if my personal actions some how cheapened your marriage. i believe there is no work to be done in this country as important as the work you are doing.

p.s. have i accrued any credit for the 10 years (that's 1,825 times longer than britney lasted!) that can be applied to future relationships?

love,
griff

continuing on with cool things traded for my bot book, i received the above from edna million. six hand made magnets in a hand made box and 3 photographs of steet punks. once again, i got the better end of the trade!

edna is also a blogger!

i am perfectly capable of strapping on the ass hat un-aided at any given moment.

that being said, i recently discovered the consumption of beer can cause the ass hat to majestically grow in size and radiate a neon glow. time can also factor into exaggeration of the ass hat. beyond 1 am the ass hat grows a bull horn. it ensures not just those in the immediate vicinity witness my embarrassing behavior, but so do the people way over there.

hangin' at a local honky tonk with my posse, tossin' back lone stars at the bar was plenty fun enough. why i felt it necessary to push the fun needle into the red is still a mystery to me.

i don't sing in public because i suck at singing. a realization i am quite proud of making since watching people completely unaware they suck on american idol. when the juke box rocked slobberbone's placemat blues, i forgot that i don't sing in public. then i forgot that i don't sing in public again for the next 3 consecutive slobberbone songs the juke spit out. there i was, foot stompin', rockin' like dokken and wearing the ass hat in all it's splendor.

now, often times one will don the ass hat and never even know it's perched upon their head. i could have been one of the ignorant if it wasn't for the bartender. it took her a moment to gain my full attention. she informed me that brent best (the lead singer for slobberbone) was seated at a table just behind me enjoying my little show. i thought she was kidding, but sure 'nuff, i turn to see she was not.

since i was there and you were not, i will just say the story ends much like the movie rock star and i have replaced brent in the band. look for me touring a city near you.

ultranote - upon writing and rethinking the events of sober mind, why would the juke spit out 4 consecutive songs by the same band?!? either they played 'em to honor brent's presence OR i was so entertaining, they just wanted to see how long i would go.

marshall from blurbism.com traded a matted 8' x 10" photograph for one of my handmade books. marshall is a designer and photographer. i chose this photo because i like the color and the contradiction of the horizontal scratches in the concrete easily passing through the strong vertical lines.

think nothing, think nothing, think nothing.
don't think about her breasts brushing my arm.
think about baseball.

think nothing.
don't think about punching her and running out the door.
think about different kinds of cheese.

due to the close proximity required to cut hair and the deafening silence between us, i was quite sure the stylist could easily read my mind. not only read my mind but dig deep into the files of my mind and know every thing about me. even know that i know she can read my mind, and it terrifies me.

a fear resulting in my mother doubling as my barber till 17 years of age.

of course, if i could have read the stylist's mind...

this kid is a dork... only 2 hours before mark picks me up in his camero... why is this kid sweating?... i wonder if anyone ate the last sprinkle donut... this kid needs more help than a hair cut... shit, i'm gonna be late for the neck doctor appointment.

last year I was lucky enough to have my design adorn the SxSW interactive canvas goodie bag given to attendees.

today i found out i am one of 5 finalists for this years bag! i am afraid i will not be so lucky this year, i am up against some strong competition and one of my illustrator heros, David Chien of nakedgremlin.com. I look forward to meeting David, and the other finalists juan huerta, christina bowerman, and kenn louis in austin this year.

i thought it would be fun to mix icons of interactive technology with a little southwest/mexican folk art. and it wouldn't really be art if i didn't mix in the classic battle of good and evil, now would it?

early in the summer, i took on a little personal project and offered the results to you, the reader. several people took me up on it and offered to trade personal projects of their own. this ended up being way cool! every day my mailbox was stuffed with another fantastic piece. i feel, in all instances, i got the better end of the deal. i look forward to making up the difference in future trades if y'all are willing.

so any way, i had been meaning to show off all the cool art i have received but a work project in atlanta put this site in hibernation for a while. i think it is time. i will show all my trades as i find the time. let's start with Travis.

an original 9" x 12" painting by travis. the robot theme was cool, because my handmade books were robot illustrations. btw, travis currently has several paintings on ebay, stop by his site and check it out!

today in the office cafeteria, there was free cake in honor of martin luther king's birthday. actually two cakes, chocolate cake on the left and a white cake on the right. each cake had it's own serving utensils and it's own plates.

seems a bit ironic. perhaps they should have had just one of those marbled cakes, both flavors swirling together and living in delicious harmony.

these lil fellas fell out of a very boring conference call. they all live happily together on page 48 of the current sketch book.

ultranote - these doodles are actually smaller than you are viewing them. the pen lines are thiner (sakura micron 005) than the rezolution of your monitor. they were scanned at 200 dpi then webized.

my initials were scrawled in thick black sharpie ink down the side of a mystery cardboard box placed under my desk. i broke tape and pulled the flaps aside to reveal a black leather travel bag. a gift from the company, recognition for 10 years of service.

the envelop contained a generic congratulatory card, adorned with the standard stock photograph of shaking hands. the inside was blank where a personalized note and signature might appear.

the box also contained an envelop marked "presentation tips". in the envelope was a palm sized card (accidently left in the box) intended for the presenter. the card (shown above) is a cheat sheet to aid the presenter's memory of the very special honoree's name and maybe the name of the company they work for.

i found tips 1 and 2 a bit ironic...

1. Plan ahead - set a specific time for the presentation. Know why the recipient is being honored.OR just scrawl the recipients initials on the cardboard box and shove it under his desk.

2. Invite the recipient's coworkers - ask one or two of them to be prepared to say a few words.OR let them discover it alone and celebrate in an ocean of friendless self pity.

ok, all that being said, i am grateful for management opting to shove it under my desk. an approach much preferred to the corporate modus operandi of gathering 20 or so intenesly disliked co-workers into a small conference room. commonly referred to as the 13 minutes of hell.

at 2:55pm the honoree pretends not to notice 20 people cramming into a conference room like circus clowns in a volks wagon beetle. one of the corporate cheerleader types is sent out to request your immediate presence in a "very important impromptu meeting". if the cheerleader is exceedingly clever they will drop the name of a current project when informing the honoree of the meeting.

upon entering the conference room, the honoree pretends to be surprised and amazed to find all of the people that were outside the conference room are now inside the conference room. shitty over frosted cake is served with the same plastic utensils used at last weeks baby shower for the office slut. no one passes on the cake, but everyone asks for "oh, ... just a little piece".

all pretend to care and make pathetic jokes about what a glutton for punishment the honoree must be for surviving 10 years. the event is scheduled to last 15 minutes but all are long gone by the 13 minute mark. everyone except the fat bastard who asks if the can take the remainder of the cake home to his 12 children.

upon finishing a 30 second impromptu jam session on his invisible kit, the drummer returned the sticks to their upright position, pointing skyward, tucked in an elastic headband, just above his ears. mounted on his head, the sticks resembled antenna.

the drummer sat silently and motionless waiting. many others also waited but were pretending not to. terminal c gate 18 was his concert hall and we were his captive audience.

the left antenna twitched slightly. he turned his head to the left, eyes unfocused. there was nothing to see. infinite rhythms pass though us unnoticed. microwaves, light waves, radio waves, electicity, the small rounded tips of the drummer's antenna sense them all. even more seemingly invisible, are transmissions from keith moon and john bonham. the drummer's brain cracks the transmissions and is inspired.

suddenly the antenna once again become drum sticks in his hands. he assaults the imaginary kit for 30 seconds. when it is over, he spins the sticks in his hands like a gunfighter in an old western and then returns them to their upright position, pointing skyward.

hey, what do ya know! i was recently notified by diarist.net that i had won the best design category! thanks diarist.net, you made my day!

here at ultramicroscopic we've received much mail from those seeking a cure for fecal impaction.

ok, maybe not that much mail, but i do expect it to pick up.

ok, not really, i just felt like writing about poop again.

as a public service to you the reader, i would like to share a few tips to keep you regular and happy. on occasion, mother nature needs a little help shaking one loose. here are a few sure fire activities to pinch a loaf.

1. drink black coffee. caffeine makes my sphincter dance.

2. buy the sunday paper. i'm not sure if there is a scientific connection here, it might just be pavlovian. the sunday edition is best, but it may work on any day.

3. wander a book store or music store. barnes and noble is one of the best, spacious stalls and fairly easy to sneak in a new book for added entertainment. be sure to bring a book mark, so you can finish that same book next time.

4. take a ride in your friend's expensive, new fangled car with a seat warmer. the only problem with this, is when things start moving, there may not be a quick and easy bathroom near.

5. look at the sun. i know that's activity is for inducing a sneeze, but seven or eight consecutive sneezes should also help you unpack.

under no circumstances should you ever mix and match the actions above, results could become wildly unpredictable.

sorry for the extended absence. i just discovered this internet thingy has porn all over it.