i found the logo above in usa today

an inept designer has managed to turn the "tour of hope" into the "tour of hype".

please turn in your graphic design licence at the door.

i assume the sign was posted because you never know when some one will up and steal your outdoor television out from under your other outdoor television.

when i originally drove by, the owner was outside watching both at once, sort of a picture on picture deal. when i returned with my camera, he was gone.

first day back at the office from vacation.

157 emails. a few of the emails vaguely hint at project meetings in atlanta beginning this morning and ending late next week. i think i am supposed to be in atlanta yesterday.

fuck.

posting may be spotty at best.

son 2: dad, will you tell me when my teeth break?
me: um... yeah, but why?
son 2: so i know when to wear those.

he pointed to a set of plastic vampire fangs he had packed into the identity card pocket of his buzz lightyear travel bag (pictured above).

it is always interesting to see what a 4 year old packs for vacation. mine insisted his set of plastic vampire fangs were absolutely essential. as it turns out, his teeth didn't break and he didn't need them.

i am traveling to the great state of michigan (where i grew up) for a summer vacation. i expect the entire state to welcome me back with parades and fire works.

maybe i will post, maybe i will not.

this is the latest in a long line of things that have hung from the wife's rear view mirror. it is an artificial animal skin pouch containing some sort of pea sized objects. i call it the cheetah scrotum. i hate the scrotum more than any previous hangers, even more than the thingy that smelled like monkey urine and vanilla extract.

as if two boys, a cell phone, a dvd player and the constant blare of radio disney are not distraction enough, the cheetah scrotum swings wildly with every turn, brake or acceleration.

"well you see officer, it's like this. i was reaching to turn up the boys favorite song, YMCA, on radio disney to drown out their fighting when my eye caught a glimpse of the swinging cheetah scrotum. i was immediately hypnotized when the sudden ring of my cell phone violently jerked me from my hypnotic state causing me to accidentally eject the scooby-doo dvd with such force it ricochet off the back window and struck me in the back of the head. that's when i crashed into the fruit cart sending various fragile melons air born."

checking myself in the mirror today, i notice a long hair stuck to the front of my shirt. i immediately assumed it was transferred to me when I kissed the wife goodbye this morning.

i attempted to pluck the hair from my shirt. pain made me realize it was mine. closer inspection revealed a small tuft of hair where my neck connects to my chest. a spot impossible to shave. a spot not hidden by most button up shirts.

extending freakishly from the odd little tuft was the creepy mutant. no hair on my entire body measures over an inch (pubic, non withstanding), this one was at least four inches.

the four inch creepy mutant did not just appear overnight. it probably sprouted during the clinton administration, and grew strong in those times of prosperity.

how many i have disgusted in casual interaction with cashiers, waiters, strippers, and others. for how many has the creepy mutant induced extreme nausea and vomiting? how many friends and family have turned their heads in disgust and live in silence?

i am disowning all of you for letting me become the freak i am. did you think i was making a fashion statement?! what is wrong with you?! how could i suck so bad at personal hygiene?!

ultranote - i have addressed an envelope to each friend and family member that failed to inform me of the mutant hair. i have placed a lock of that mutant hair in each envelop. you will soon wish your mailbox was instead filled with anthrax.