 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
||||||
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
||
 |
 |
 |
|
|||
 |
|
|||||
travel can really mess with a man's internal poo clock. the clock slows, and opportunities infrequent. the whole thing can be very traumatic if combined with vacation circumstances of an over crowded cottage, a single semi functioning toilet and an exclusive diet of grilled hotdogs and beer.
the wife's great grandfather built the cottage by hand. back then people were smaller and didn't poo as much. the technological advancement of toilets has changed the way we poo. back in the day the bowls were smaller, flushing power was weak, and the seats were uncomfortable. these factors limited people to making poo once a week or so, and doing it very quickly. that was a good thing, people had cities to build. no time for sitting around making mud.
today, oversized bowls, super suction turbo flush and cushioned seats have increased poo frequency, volume, and duration. so, what does this have to do with the price of toilet paper in china? well, my point being, i'm spoiled by the miracle of modern toiletry. i poo when, where and for as long as i want.
the cottage toilet is small, tired and over worked. it seriously doubt it could properly support me in my endevors. a hand made sign above the tank states local law, "if it's yellow, let it mello. if it's brown flush it down". the boys love to ask me about the sign. they think it's funny to hear their dad talk about poop and pee.
ok moving on, you may wonder just how rare are the opportunities to poop? lets do some math.
12 (people staying at the cottage) x 6 (visits per person per day) x 5 (minutes, average visit duration) = 6 hours of occupation during awake hours. but my math is flawed, it doesn't account for swim suit changes, showers, or brushing of teeth. further screwing the equation, the majority of users are female, this greatly increasing usage frequency. conclusion: whenever you have to poo, forget it, it's occupied.
beyond the math, there are other more subtle hurdles to my poopage, like guilt, shame, and paranoia. finding the toilet unoccupied may seem like a blessing but, it can quickly become a hot seat. upon sitting, the mind reels. hurry, there is soon to be a knock, don't fart audibly, don't leave a stench, don't leave skid marks, remember to courtesy flush so not to choke the bowl, don't be the one facilitating a phone call to the plumber, you don't want to be remembered as it's last passenger. there's also some thing disconcerting about piggybacking on the yellow left behind to mellow. just too much to deal with.
in the wee hours of what would be my 4th consecutive pooless day, i awoke to the dreaded appearance of turtle head. the clock read 3:07 am. too early. i rolled over hoping the turtle would see his shadow and duck back into his hole meaning six more hours of sleeping. suddenly my eyes audibly pop wide open, epiphony, three oh seven! the cottage is sleeping. the toilet would be available and it's seat properly cooled. i quietly made my way to the bathroom anticipating the joy of an overdue but thearaputic wicked growler.
i settled in. no worries. from the stack near the toilet's base, i picked up a 1998 issue of national geographic. found an interesting article about the slow un-stopable movement of giant arctic glaciers. 38 seconds later i was interrupted by a knock at the door. unbelievable.
defecatious interuptus. foiled again. who the hell gets up to poo at 3 am?!?!
Posted by griff at August 11, 2004 09:23 AM