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checking myself in the mirror today, i notice a long hair stuck to the front of my shirt. i immediately assumed it was transferred to me when I kissed the wife goodbye this morning.
i attempted to pluck the hair from my shirt. pain made me realize it was mine. closer inspection revealed a small tuft of hair where my neck connects to my chest. a spot impossible to shave. a spot not hidden by most button up shirts.
extending freakishly from the odd little tuft was the creepy mutant. no hair on my entire body measures over an inch (pubic, non withstanding), this one was at least four inches.
the four inch creepy mutant did not just appear overnight. it probably sprouted during the clinton administration, and grew strong in those times of prosperity.
how many i have disgusted in casual interaction with cashiers, waiters, strippers, and others. for how many has the creepy mutant induced extreme nausea and vomiting? how many friends and family have turned their heads in disgust and live in silence?
i am disowning all of you for letting me become the freak i am. did you think i was making a fashion statement?! what is wrong with you?! how could i suck so bad at personal hygiene?!
ultranote - i have addressed an envelope to each friend and family member that failed to inform me of the mutant hair. i have placed a lock of that mutant hair in each envelop. you will soon wish your mailbox was instead filled with anthrax.