My immune system is super bad ass. Seriously. I have survived a gauntlet of deadly epidemics, pandemics, plagues and outbreaks. The trendy Swine flu? Check. Remember Bird Flu of 2004? Check. How about Mad Cow disease, remember that? Check. Eboli, Legionnaires, Bubonic plague? Check, check, and triple check.

I know what your thinking, “Man, that is one seriously bad ass immune system, how does one acquire such a system?”. You wanna know my secret? I will tell you, but I already know you don’t have the guts to put in the time and effort that I have. A bad ass immune system doesn’t come from sitting on your couch, watching Fox news sniff out the latest pandemic. It comes from hours of sitting on questionable public toilet seats.

That’s right, you heard me. What doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger. The next time the urge hits you to make mud, leave your home immediately. Embrace and celebrate the questionable toilet seat at the nearest roadside park or minority owned corner convenience store. There you will find a seat akin to a germ youth hostel hosting a cornucopia of rare and exotic viruses from around the world. Most likely your first instinct will be to line the seat with two layers of Charmin, or hover above the seat. No good. Sit down for a spell and relax. Just don’t let your junk touch the porcelain, that’s just gross.